Hey There Hot Stuff

2012-02-09T02:30:00.001+08:00

“But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a girl, maybe.. it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.”

2012-02-07T02:12:00.001+08:00

“Do you ever get that feeling where you don’t want to talk to anybody? You don’t want to smile and you don’t want to fake being happy but at the same time you don’t know exactly what’s wrong either, there isn’t a way to explain it to someone who doesn’t already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being alone never was. At least when you’re alone no one constantly asks you what’s wrong and there isn’t anyone who won’t take “I don’t know” for an answer. you feel the way you do just because. you hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.”

2012-02-07T00:17:00.000+08:00

SHUT UP

MOVE ON

GROW UP

(AND GROW A PAIR WHILE YOU'RE AT IT)

2012-02-04T02:48:00.002+08:00

When it comes to finding the right person, it all comes down to how well she know you, and how well she would be willing to get to know you. Finding a person who would understand your faults and love you for every single one of them. Some one who will cherish their time with you, and never doubt that you cherish your time with them. The person that can fight with you and hurt you, but still be there for you through thick and thin. It may not that makes things easy, but it’s the right girl, the one that you love, and you know loves you back.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours

2012-01-28T02:22:00.000+08:00

I just got really hurt. And sometimes when that happens, something inside just shuts off.

People who make us happy are never the people you expect.

and on a personal note to Rachel Ong, a dear sister in Christ who is currently hurting from a failed misadventure on this thing called premature concept of Love.......

"I guess if we relied on other people to make us happy, we would spend alot of time feeling sad."

2012-01-24T00:18:00.001+08:00

I miss you...... A decade ago's Isaac Tan.......

2012-01-22T00:39:00.002+08:00

pain.

the word is relative actually.

now?

quite.

later? Very

why?

Я не очень нуждающегося человека, но я просто хочу чувствовать себя приняли,любили, нужен и дорог.

Я жаждут внимания, я люблю восхищения, и я определенно необходимо близости.

Я очень не хочу быть один, я возмущаться одиночества и я больше всего ненавижу то, что я все еще не готовы быть в отношениях. Фактом является то, что я долженпринять.
Но я просто хочу провести кого-то быть в объятиях другой даме
Я бредовые?

Нет, я просто быть человеком.

go translate it if you can.

and yes I speak, write and curse Russian fluently сукой

angst to the max

2012-01-19T01:27:00.001+08:00

Oh God, You know that is really my desire to want to belong to someone and to be in love with someone, by heavenly Father, Your ways are higher than my ways, Your thoughts higher than mine.Daddy make me into the man that You want me to be. Sometimes I really dunno how.Show me the way Lord. I do not trust myself but I trust you God. I was born but not raised without a Father, but in turn I got You. Lord Your grace is sufficient for me, Your providence is more than I could ever ask for. But Lord, I need to see it and experience Your divine love that encompasses all things that is beyond measure and imagination. God you know my heart full well and You know my thoughts before they were ever conceived.But Lord You also know the moulding days of my life, the challenging days and the days that will require my hill faith and might to believe in You.Father I wanna rest in You Lord. I dunno how that is going to happen but I choose to trust in YOU, the Lord of hope and love. Father you are the father of the fatherless, I pray that may You be my tender loving Father as I walk this earth all the remaining days of my life. I really need you Lord

2012-01-18T01:33:00.001+08:00

Wa chialat.Last warning ah this type. HEART, Y U NO PATIENCE?!Yes, she pretty amazing and honestly, quite cute and awesome at the same time.But you gotta learn to wait!Trust and Obey la Isaac!

2011-10-18T00:02:00.001+08:00

Back into the shadows will I fade.

Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

Lemme go hoommeeee.....

2011-09-19T19:22:00.003+08:00

time.to.focus

enough.bullshit.

enough.stress.

enough.resolute

enough.

lets go

2011-09-14T00:52:00.003+08:00

Dear me,

I know its been a hard year so far. Its been both tiring and exhausting and admit it, you knew this was gonna happen. Last year has been so wasted its really not worth mentioning and anything before that has been pretty much filed under the category of- History: worth revisiting when free- section of my life.

Human life is hard, and whether we'd like to admit or deny it, its really not an easy journey. Samme once said that in this fight, you can either throw in the towel or use it to wipe the sweat off your forehead. well in other words, its either you lie and die, or you jolly well die trying. Life doesnt always guarantee successes, trust me, its not a life that is worth living if everyday was like Christmas. Its just so...dull, after awhile.

Life was meant to be filled with the ups and downs that contain in it, but I digress.

Lately the urge of wanting to have companionship, a partner, grew strong. As I re-looked at the recent scares that I bore, I realised that the very fact that I feel that way is but really human. We all crave for attention, crave for significance, and sometimes even crave for intimacy, regardless of the physicality or emotional aspect.
Its fully understandable and perfectly natural to be feeling this way, for God intended Man and Woman to be together as one body by His divine appointment and timing.

Rebecca and Isaac (ref to Genesis) did not find each other out of desperation, but their fathers both knew that their children has got to have a partner once they are of age and maturity. Their fathers knew the importance, also, to find one that is both suitable and compatible for their children. By God's wonderful way, Rebecca and Isaac became man and wife, how beautiful isn't it?

Wanting to be in a relationship isn't wrong, in fact, it only goes to show and prove that we are developing healthily as young adults from teenagers. But it does not translate that we should go out and quickly find one or settle with the one that is currently interested in us just because it 'feels' right/ or that the person doesn't 'seem' to be a bad person what. That's just not the way it should be. It not only seems desperate, to always have a different partner as your bf/gf, but its also damaging to the image of our Father that created us, IN HIS LIKENESS. Darling we are created in His image, so please live up to that image boy.

Our heavenly father knows exactly what is important to us, he clothes in lilies in the field and feed the birds in the air, how much more will God take care of our needs, when He calls us the apple of His eye?
He knows that we do need companionship one day, and we need the real physical person that not only spurs us on in our faith in Him, but also be our life partner.

But the word of the day is patience, to await God's beautiful appointment and timing for everything, and not jump the gun and do things our way. Many instances have we destroyed God's wonderous plans by being impatient and assuming that we know what's best for ourselves.

We have the best history book on Earth: The Holy B.I.B.L.E.
Basic
Instructions
Before
Leaving
Earth

In it contains every episode of what mankind would ever encounter and how best to live it.

I believe I have learnt my lesson, hard. It was painful by now I yield upon Your control, Lord. I know not what plans you have for me, but I know you have a plan to prosper me (in whichever way You deem fit) and not to harm me.

So my dear me, learn and remember this lesson by hard, for when you seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto me.

With warmest regards,
Me

God I love you.

2011-08-25T17:46:00.001+08:00

Current Status: -_-

ECONS: UPS.
Tutorial: Done.
MATHS: THANK GOD I DID A-MATHS in sec school =D SO DAYM EASY!
STATS: THANK GOD I DID H2 MATHS in JC =D SO DAYM EASY x 2!!
PBF: Christina Lai is crap. Gonna shift it to either Mon morn of afternoon =D
POA: Before I can even start on him theres so much flak on this guy I don't even wanna go there.
Shifting it to Tues. =D

SHYT I have classes at later at 7pm. Thanks to HARI RAYA next tues.
PFFTTTT

Hahaha while having lects yest one OG friend of mine said I was so professional in organising mah stuff.
hahahahahahahahahaah
RIGHT.

Got 15 mins before I leave the house. Can I not go pls???

2011-08-20T23:13:00.000+08:00

2011-08-20T01:37:00.001+08:00

Please, come into my arms?

like NAO?

I wanna be there to comfort you when you tear,
I wanna be there in share in your pains and burdens,
I wanna be there to cheer you on when youre at your weakest,
I wanna be there to soldier you on when the walk seems to get too tough,
I wanna b ethere to share in your joys, fears and happiness;
.
.
.
.
In other words, can you hold my hand in yours and yours in mine?

=(

2011-08-07T00:03:00.003+08:00

There’s no shame in being afraid. Hell, we’re all afraid. What you gotta do is figure out what you’re afraid of because when you put a face on it, you can beat it. Better yet, you can use it. Looking back on what I said all those years ago, all the hopes and dreams I had, I’ve come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I’m a failure.

“

—	One Tree Hill

2011-08-07T00:02:00.002+08:00

You don’t realize how much you care about someone until they don’t care about you.

2011-08-05T09:58:00.004+08:00

I love the way You Father Me

O father of the fatherless
In whom all families are blessed
I love the way you father me
You gave me life, forgave the past
Now in your arms I'm safe at last
I love the way you father me

Father me, forever you'll father me
And in your embrace I'll be forever secure
I love the way you father me
I love the way you father me

When bruised and broken I draw near
You hold me close and dry my tears
I love the way you father me
At last my fearful heart is still
Surrendered to your perfect will
I love the way you father me

If in my foolishness I stray
Returning empty and ashamed
I love the way you father me
Exchanging for my wretchedness
Your radiant robes of righteousness
I love the way you father me

And when I look into your eyes
From deep within my spirit cries
I love the way you father me
Before such love I stand amazed
And ever will through endless days
I love the way You father me

2011-08-03T00:39:00.002+08:00

Don’t worry babe, you will see me again. You’ll see me with a girl who treats me right and love right. One that TRULY knows how to love. You’ll see all that could have had. And you’ll regret. Regret like hell. Regret letting me go.

But the thing i want you to see the most? You’ll see; I survived without you.

Random spasms of the mind at odd times.
I oughtta sleep earlier.

When the morning light strikes into my room I have 6 things awaiting to be accomplished.

God, now's the time for the booster pack I asked.

Thanks Abba

2011-07-31T21:40:00.000+08:00

After months of deliberation,

after numerous probes and pokes

after countless jokes and jeers.

I HAVE FINALLY HAD IT.

6 MONTHS

6 BROS

6 BUFFETS

6 PECS

Damn she's a ripped Russian

2011-07-22T21:14:00.001+08:00

I'm too awesome to care =D hahahahhah

Anyway busy days ahead.

Prata shower before Mexico ^^ Oooooh tks favian =)

Reservist nicely put next week before Orientation thank God

Sending off Virgin Mary and Picking up Piggy all in the Changi

Orientation Day (as if we need preps for......

Orientation Camp LOL. Im seriously too old for this

Massive amounts to read, write and it'll be alright.

I love my rhyming so much nowSAdays

Team Grimmie Rawks!

Off to SC2

CHAOS!

2011-07-19T06:30:00.006+08:00

Never realised how much this phrase;

"Love when you’re ready; not when you’re lonely."

has helped the people around so much, irony is, the first person that I spoke to on this topic never seem to have gotten it.

Now that this phrase somehow got so wide spread, I suppose good wisdom's supposed to be shared ya?

In return for my words to live by, I got this following:

If a person is single, it doesn’t really mean that he or she knows nothing about Love. In fact, going solo is a lot wiser than being in a wrong relationship.

Thanks ele. Youre the best. =)

However there's a missing gap of common sense in the dialogue:

iZac: Girls are by far the most confusing, if not, the worst confused creatures on this planet I tell you.

Ele: You say girls are confusing? Nice try. Girls are the easiest to understand. We want love. We want trust, we want everything most guys lack. We want someone to change for us; we want them to accept the fact that sometimes we forget to shave. We want back rubs; we want you to give us flowers. We want you to hold our hand. We all just want our own Prince Charming.

iZac: Nope you don't want prince charming, what you want is a fairy tale. True enough, its easy to understand, and I think all you need right now is a contract binding agreement before you start a relationship.

Lets see if he'll sign it. HAHA

2011-07-10T03:28:00.000+08:00

I can't believe how happy I am. Nope. No pretense is needed.
When about a month ago, around this time, I never pictured myself to be this happy nor this gleeful, I didn't expect that I would be, standing here right now smiling right back in the computer screen, happily typing away =)
Although I don't hold much, and I dont possess much, not that I dare say, I am glad that my heart is filled with joy, and most importantly, love =D

Since we're conceived in love, even if some of the readers here might be 'out of sheer passion', we cant deny that the root cause has always been love. Having said that, the only resonating term that brings about fulfillment is being satisfied IN LOVE. I say, my dear friends, why settle for humanly, sometimes-if not, oft failing love that is just temporal?

I'm filled in my spirit, by the grace of God, Love =)
I can LITERALLY feel His almighty shoulder upon mine, letting me know its all gonna be alright =)
2 days ago I was quite lost, due to some short term financial issues and tight pockets possibly haunting me for the next year or so, but hey, what I got wasn't a solution, but a comforted heart.
In here there is peace.

Instead of an immediate solution, here is the list of things I have gotten in return:
Great subsidies that could very well tide over my household's daily expenditures at least for the next three months
An extremely heartwarming heart to heart talk with mummy that lasted until 5am in the morning! (Gasps!)
An entourage of close friends coming along to give their moral and friendly support when I didn't ask for it, and neither do they know what plight I am going through
A chanced-upon hidden find online that could very well bring lotsa joy to my family! (updates on this soon!~)
An ability to be my best friends' shoulder to cry on the be a pillar of support, when I thought I needed it more, I realised I had more to give, and thus I gave =) And this morning was an example of how a great morning starts =)
And a GREAT shopping experience at the market that was uber surprising, cos the billl came up to about double the expected amount, cos we were on a spree, when initially we just wanted to hit 25 bucks so we qualify for the offers on display (hehh)
AND SUBSEQUENTLY AN EQUALLY AWESOME CREATION OF MAH' EGGY MAYO SANDWICH with some input from the WISE ONE.
Plus a great outing with the YA gang, with the night ending of with some pretty darn cool FIREWORKS =DDD
And as I'm typing this now, I can feel the of what the good Lord has brought and given to me, when all I did was pray =)

BOOM! What a day!
But last and certainly not the least, I am glad to have gone through what I have done today =)

also worthy to note: I just read fiona's blog on some le tour de ffyona blogspot crap.
I realised that despite all that had happened and what she had done to me, I could see only that when you sow destruction, you reap destruction, not just to the people around you, but to yourself as well. There is always a price to pay for what you have done, and although I'm not writing here to smite or apply sarcasm, but a good 'I told you so' is in order.

Thank God I did not stay any longer in that ill-forbidden relationship. My heart sickens to know that it had actually stayed on so long in such a foul environment, with a person of no gratitude and an extremely selfish nature.

Looking at the way she's suffering right now, I have pity. Pity upon one that was so lost and still as lost as ever. The foolish throws away a compass when one sees it, for one knows not how to use it nor its crucial usefulness. Looking at the wrong places for answer will never get you any right ones Fiona.

I don't know if you'll read this, but if you do, WAKE UP.
Cos I did, and you bet I'm as happy as can be; REFER TO ABOVE ACCOUNT =)

Goodnights world, sabbath on its way!

2011-05-30T23:46:00.001+08:00

Even when you think you’re finally over that boy, and think you like someone else, you start reading quotes and it’s still that same boy that pops into your head, not the new one.

2011-05-14T14:09:00.003+08:00

Don’t believe her if she comes back and says she misses you. Remember, she chose not to be with you.

Freakin nyphomaniac

2011-05-14T13:15:00.000+08:00

Lets be honest. sometimes there is nothing harder in life than being happy for somebody else. But you gotta wake up and realise that my life is truly much happier without you in it, while you're on a constant search for an answer to satisfying the lonliness inside you.

Your life proves it all.

All the single people in the house say AAYYEE OHHH

2011-04-27T01:37:00.000+08:00

Just to say I love you never seems enough. I’ve said it so many times. I’m afraid you wont understand what i really mean when i say it. How can so much feeling, so much adoration possibly fit into those three little words. But until I find some other way of saying how I feel, then “I Love You” will have to do. So no matter how many times I say it, never take it lightly, for you are my life, and my only love.

You don’t give up just because things get hard. That is the exact contrary to perseverance.

An opposite to your name.

It would be so nice to wake up and see you tangled in the sheets next to me.

2011-04-26T13:14:00.000+08:00

To tell you the truth, I don’t have much to offer. But I’ll still give you everything I’ve got, even if it’s barely a thing at all. I’ll give you late nights, long hugs, good massages, someone to talk to, someone to care for, someone who will always be there, a hand to hold, somebody to lean on. And if that’s not enough, just know you have all of me. I hope that’s enough.

Maybe some friendships aren’t meant to be saved. Maybe we’re meant to spent a certain part of our lives with certain people.. and then move on.

If I tell you I love you, can I keep you forever?

“

—

Casper

2011-04-25T00:00:00.002+08:00

And it all comes down to the last person you think about before you go to sleep.

There is a sacredness in tears. they are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.

(scheduled for release on 25/04/2011 0000)

2011-04-23T22:58:00.008+08:00

The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they’re alive. 

I’ve been waiting my whole life for the right girl to come along and then you showed up. And you’re nothing like the woman I imagined. You’re cynical and cranky and impossible. But the truth is fighting with you is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I think there’s a very good chance that I’m wanting to get married with you with you.

Because let’s face it - no matter how much you tell yourself you’re over someone, your heart knows the truth.

but no, I don't think you get it.

Goodbye Fiona.
No matter how many times I asked, you still just ignored,
you just simply chucked it aside anyway.

No, I won't ask anymore. This is it. Goodnight world.

2011-04-22T01:30:00.003+08:00

The only words you’ll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones you use to intentionally hurt someone.

She had made a mistake. She pushed him away when he needed her the most, replaced him with someone who didn't come close. Now she’s got to live with the fact that there ain't no way he’ll ever come back.

You dont realize how much you care about someone until they don’t care about you.

(scheduled for release on 22/04/2011 0130)

2011-04-21T23:30:00.004+08:00

I want someone who I can tell all my secrets to. I want someone who won’t judge me for the mistakes I’ve made and the mistakes I continue to make. I want someone who will understand me. I want someone to hear me out, not just listen. I want someone who says good night to me and prays to God that they’ll get the chance to say good morning. I want someone who will accept me for who I am, despite all my flaws. I just want someone who loves me.

The number one reason why people give up so fast is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, instead of how far they have gotten.

Look, I know this sucks for you and I want to be there for you, I REALLY DO, but I can’t do this anymore.

I can’t keep being your second choice - not when you’re my first.

The worse thing is caring about someone, wondering how they are and what they’re up to when the truth is they've STOPPED wondering about you a long time ago.

They say you can’t live without love. Yeah, well oxygen’s more important.

My plan is to forgive and forget. Forgive myself for being so stupid, and forget you ever existed.

Don’t settle for the guy who’s going to wait on you. Wait for the one who pushes your buttons and makes you mad on a daily basis. Who would still come to your door and make the most awesome porridge in the world that it reminds you of your granny, and makes you feel loved like how your granny did and more. Who would not just fork out stupid amounts of money for some silly diamond or watch that you've been ranting about, but also makes and creates the bouquet of flowers by hand that he gives you on the randomest of days, and on birthdays. One who remembers things you've said a million days ago and still remember them and act on them, and beg his friends to get some sleepy kitty book from the US. Love isn’t supposed to be easy; it’s supposed to be worth it.

I’ve realized one thing about life; you can never escape pain. but at least you can choose between two kinds of pain: the pain of commitment or the pain of regret.

Love is the best feeling you could ever have. It may hurt sometimes, but you can’t deny that it’s the best.

(scheduled for release on 21/04/2011 2330)

2011-04-14T00:01:00.000+08:00

I don’t think waiting for someone is silly. When you’ve found your once in a lifetime, any time is worth the wait.

2011-04-10T02:44:00.001+08:00

One day he’s going to get over you and on that day, you’re going to realize you love him.

I need someone to prove to me that I’m worth it, really worth it to them. Maybe all I need is a person who can show me that everyone is not the same. Honestly, I thought you were that person, but I was wrong. Is it too much to ask for someone to take a risk on me, to fight for me, to actually care enough to not let something go; the way I did for you? You never even thanked me. I acted the way I did because I cared. I didn’t realize it then, but I do now. I don’t do that for just anyone. So, call me crazy, but today…today I realized that I can’t keep waiting for you. I’m moving on, I can’t stay in one place waiting. I can’t be around you anymore. I’m not over it, I don’t get over things fast, I never have, no matter how much I try and convince myself. I’ll see you around sometime. I keep thinking maybe somehow, something will click & everything will go back to the way it was in the beginning. Maybe we could go back to that, but too much has been said and done. So, maybe you’ll get one more chance from me, maybe you won’t.

2011-04-10T02:40:00.006+08:00

Fiona, you may ask yourself why am I still doing all these sweet things to you?

Here's my answer to you

Sometimes you just want to put other people’s happiness before yours because you love them, because they deserve it. Sometimes you want to go out of your way for other people just because you know that it’s important that they get a chance to smile once in a while.

2011-04-09T00:30:00.003+08:00

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So, we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

2011-04-08T11:35:00.000+08:00

I miss you, when something really good happens, you’re the first one I want to share it with. Because I miss you when something is troubling me, you’re the only one who would’ve understood. Because I miss you, when I laugh and cry, you’re the only one who could make me laugh harder and make my tears disappear. I don’t know where we went and why we grew apart, but you should know, I miss you.

2011-04-06T19:54:00.003+08:00

How can I forget her when she’s always on my mind?
How can I not want her when she’s all I want inside?
How can I move on when I can’t see us apart?
How can I stop loving her when she controls my heart?

2011-04-06T19:52:00.004+08:00

Goodbye is the hardest thing to say to someone
who means the world to you,
especially when goodbye isn’t what you want.

2011-04-06T19:49:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you never realize how much you care about someone until they stop caring about you.

2011-04-06T19:47:00.002+08:00

It’s not like I intended on this.. falling for you again. It’s not like I want it. All you do is break me, but when I see you, it’s like I forget all that. I forget about the heart you’ve shattered so many times and forget all of the pain I went through.. just for the chance of you holding me again. I miss you. I don’t know exactly why I do, but I miss you.

So much......my heart bleeds

2011-04-06T19:46:00.002+08:00

You wanna know what the truth is? I still love you and I probably will love you for a very long time. But I can’t just be your buddy, because as much as I enjoy the concept of being “just friends” in reality it’s a bizarre form of torture and I’m just not willing to participate in it. So right now what I wanna do is just move on and get over you. and the only way for me to do that is to not be around you anymore.

2011-04-06T19:43:00.001+08:00

Sometimes you never realize how much you care about someone until they stop caring about you.

2011-04-06T19:39:00.000+08:00

Forgiveness is important, everyone deserves a second chance. And a third. And a fourth. Chances to make things right.

It’s a human fault - that one wrong can erase all the rights we’ve done, but one right can’t fix anything.

I'm trying my absolute best, don't you see it?

Please tell me I'm not waiting for nothing....

2011-04-06T19:36:00.000+08:00

I wanna be brave and stop thinking about things that make me sad. It would be a nice change.

You might think I’m bulletproof, but I’m not.

It’s scary - how you can mean the world to somebody one day, and nothing the next. As if the days leading up to this don’t count for anything.

Please keep me in your prayers.
I'm barely breathing now

2011-04-06T14:24:00.000+08:00

You want what you want.

Oblivious to the hurting souls around you.
After getting your deemed entitlement, no words of appreciation. Just sarcasm, then again, one of your many tools of destruction.
Here I am, painful to the max, trying my utmost best to forget you.

But thanks, again, this time from the improbable opposite side of the dialogue, for you just gave me another way to forget you.

I hate the fact that I actually loved you so much, gave so much and cared for you so much, but only to receive none from you.

Don't keep doing this, or else I'm really going to start hating you.

2011-04-05T11:45:00.005+08:00

2011-04-05T11:43:00.002+08:00

When your heart breaks, you gotta fight like hell to make sure you’re still alive. Because you are, and that pain you feel..that’s life. The confusion and fear, that’s there to remind that somewhere out there is something better, and that something is worth fighting for.

2011-04-05T11:25:00.000+08:00

100th post

LIFE IS GONNA SUCK ANYWAY YOU LOOK AT IT.

But the journey's gonna be much more worth it when you find that someone worth going through this hell with.

That person has been found, and lost.

Now here I am picking up the pieces, I will get better, a step at a time.
You could just detach yourself out of my life so quickly, so don't expect me to come running towards you with open arms the next time we meet. You get pissed easily, your patience is non-existent, and you make the relationship seem so quarrel-burden as if it was my fault.

You're out of my life, permanently. I realised that you say you loved me the most. Don't bull.
You can actually let go f me, shows me only how much I mean to you. I pity all your previous bfs. If I received this little, I can only imagine how much lesser you gave the others.

Much less when you dont even respect your body worthy of your purity. I pray that God will take care of you.
For you cant even be a friend to me, and you expect me to be okay when I clearly am not. Friends dont rush each other to be okay. I cant. With you around I cant. Knowing that all these while, while you were saying 'I love yous', you were lying right in my face.

Consider my love for you all a lost.
A crap load of wasted time.

Shoots. 100th post and it cant even be a happy post at all.
Argh.
My life WILL GET BETTER. Just WITHOUT YOU.

2011-04-04T11:51:00.002+08:00

There are some things said that although it requires no explanation, but I just do it anyway.
That how I am, thats who I am, thats why I am who I am, Im a sucker for being nice, but the world just thinks I'm a jerk anyway.

You said, " When the world abandons you, I won't"
What about now? Not even a single call, not even a mite of a ring on my phone, but only a sms expressing your disgusts.

why I said 'I GIVE UP' (previous posts)
I never gave up on you, but you’re slowly pushing me in that direction.

I have given you my everything, but you simply treat it now as if it was 'not worth a thing'
You know what’s the most terrifying thing about admitting that you’re in love? You’re just naked. you put yourself in harm’s way and you lay down all your defenses. No clothes, no weapons, nowhere to hide, completely vulnerable. The only thing that makes it tolerable is to believe the other person loves you back and you can trust her not to hurt you.

My heart is broken, only your love can do.And no one’s words were strong enough to fix what happened here.

I dont get why you have to keep saying about our past quarrels and issues. Conflicts are acommon in any relationship, more so when we are both headstrong, but no, you had to add in emo, pissiness and angst into it as though it was there in the first place.It’s not supposed to be perfect, and no one is supposed to understand it. It’s meant to be chaotic, and it’s meant to make you cringe. If you haven’t cried in a while, or felt like shit in even longer, then you’re most likely doing something wrong. This isn’t here for constant perfection, or some cliché happy ending. It’s here to be real, and to keep your heart beating, and to keep you wanting more. There is supposed to be a bright light of hope in your heart, and a black hole of the unknown in your mind. None of this makes sense, but it’s all worth it.

All I ever needed to know was if whatever we had was realI needed to know that I meant something, anything to you. But what I got was nothing. Absolutely nothing. And it’s funny the things you realize when someone walks away. At first, you feel as though it’s your fault. Feeling like nothing, so close to falling apart. And then, in time, you come to the realization that you did nothing wrong.

Then if it was real, then how could you just leave me here dying like this? Hate is just a word for someone you love, but don’t believe in anymore.

Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they’ll notice. If they don’t you know where you stand.

Honestly, you dont anymore, so dont give me this crap that you wanna be my friend. I'm standing here alone, my heart is dying itself away. And dont even begin to think you did notice, for it was until I could not take it anymore, then did I actually say something.

We were together for over a year, but no. You didn't even see that I was really hurting, you just saw me hurting because of this relationship, but my life as a whole is crumbling down, and you just had to leave me. Here I am hurting, but then again, you simply dont give a shit anymore.

You thought that I was just saying angry words, but no, I really want to end my life, its too painful. I hate my life now, so get as far away as you can then, which, you already have anyway.

Dont console yourself that you did, cuz you didnt, and go get all pissy.

2011-04-03T22:24:00.000+08:00

Just Get Out Of My Life.

I just cant keep living my life expecting anything less than us being being together, only to get my heart broken all over again and again and again and again in my mind over a thousand times in a day.

You chose to just BREAK UP like that.
I fucking hate that word now. Now more than ever I actually needed you, but no.
You had to push yourself out of this relationship.

Fine.

I dont even know why I said fine when absolutely nothing is fine at all

2011-04-03T00:16:00.003+08:00

IRKSOME ME

I dont know, I really cant be bothered anymore.

Honestly, I have never, and I say NEVER with caps, N-E-V-E-R given up on pple before.

Perhaps thats the reason why I have been so inclined to the education industry.

The point is I have not been so point blank mind fucked to the extent that I would just totally ignore the livid fact of whether you are dead or alive anymore. Called it turning a complete blind eye, call it senselessness.

I simply cannot take it anymore.

You asked me sincerely to go to this wedding, sure, I have and I turned up. You said no so many times to not meet up first but called me up later to change your effing mind. Reached already all you can do is just fret whether youre gonna be late, and get all worried up.

Got you food, dont care

Got you your peddington bear to surprise you, dont care

Got you your shoes and bag and all like a slave, dont care

Paid for the cab fare and got into an accident, dont care, still walk as fast as a cow

Got you your plaster the MOMENT you asked for one, dont care

Got you water THE MOMENT you asked, dont care

Helped out with you in ushering, dont care, tried to get me off as much as you can

SMS-ed you to ask you to come at least sit with me, DONT FUCKING CARE AT ALL.

instead I sat all the way at the very corner of the wedding ceremony when I could have sat all the way at the front.

I BLOODY TOLD AND INDICATED SO MANY TIMES THAT I WANTED TO SIT WITH YOU. YOU JUST DIDNT BOTHER.

YOU MAY ASK, WHY THE FUCK GET SO AGITATED??? YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG WAD, RIGHT?

YES, YOURE DAMN RIGHT, YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG ANYTHING AT ALL

It's all me. Its all about what I have done voluntarily. I asked myself to do all these. FOR YOU.

WHY? YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER.

WHY DOES THIS MAKE SUCH A BIG DEAL?

BECAUSE

I wanna be there to hold your hand when Josh and May are sharing their vows, for one day it will be ours too

I wanna be sitting next to you and being close to you, for ONLY in such ceremonies will the feeling of our marriage that will happen one day be so close to reality

I wanna be singing praise to out Heavenly Father when the whole congregation sings in joy in the newly wed's wedding, and so too will we sing of ours' in our love together in His house.

But no, now we're no longer in a relationship, you just had to end it after my birthday and before yours. I get it.
Instead, All I got, was to sit lonely at the very corner of the the chapel and seeing everything through the fucking screen, not being able to be close to you when Im so desperate to even see your face, I'm blocked.

Perhaps thats how its supposed to be. Im that stupid at love. To be so damn willing to sacrifice so much, only to be dumped in the end. To only qualify as a FRIEND. Such ambiguousness.

Define 'FRIEND'

SO MUCH FOR SACRIFICES.

SO MUCH FOR INVESTING IN LOVE.

SO MUCH FOR CARING AND CONCERNING IN ALL THOSE TIMES WHEN YOU NEEDED.

now i no longer need anything from you anymore.

2011-03-30T21:11:00.003+08:00

Oh Father,

Please give me the strength. Oh God just please come to my rescue. Father I really dont know how long I can hold out the nights. The day can be so excruciatingly tiring and so tough, I really cannot see the light at the end of this tunnel.

O Father in Your great and mighty being,

I pray you’ll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don’t know

Let this be our prayer
As we go our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
To a place where we’ll be safe

I pray we’ll find your light
And hold it in our hearts
When stars go out each night
Let this be our prayer
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace

Give us faith so we’ll be safe.
We ask that life be kind
And watch us from above
We hope that our souls will find
each other one day

Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Needs to find a place,
Guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we’ll be safe

Father I love her so much but You said its not time, not now.

I really dont know when it will be, and I dont know when I will be feeling better.

I really cant carry on like this. Father take me in Your tender arms, Father guide me in Your great wisdom.

I cant see another couple, I cant see people falling in love when I will just simply tear.

Teaching today was painful. It was tiring, excruciatingly tiring, and the pain literally pierces my heart.

Father in Heaven please take care of Fiona. When I'm in this pain I can only wonder how much is she going through right now. You know my heart, You know that I really still love her alot. So much I am willing to just give my heart out for her.

Father I pray that we will really one day be together. I really cannot fathom myself with anybody but her. I really only love her, but God, I now place you as my heart's throne. I put you first; We choose to put you first.

I really really cant stand this pain in my heart anymore. Im exhausted, my mother is in pain, and my heart is laden heavy, my mind is burdened.

Father I love you, Father I love Fiona too, but Father please take care of Fiona now. She loves you and is a woman after Your heart. Bless her mightily in your Grace and wrap her in your mercy in all of her days.

I sincerely pray that when the day is right we will end up standing at the altar exchanging vows before Your holiness. Father I love You.

In all these I pray, in Jesus highest and holy name I pray, Amen.

2011-03-28T01:50:00.001+08:00

PAIN

2011-03-14T01:35:00.000+08:00

Break up

Just because you cant stand it and therefore I can anymore than you?

You're hard pressed and not me?

You're stressed and I'm supposed to be devoid of it all?

You can just let go of this so easily, well, then again, you've done that more than 5 times to other guys already, to which all just simply ended sour anyway.

You have changed and so I have not?

You've your own validated sacrifices, but what about me?

I devoted so much time in 2010 into you that most of my friends have left and here I am standing, and faced with two most damning words in the English dictionary; BREAK UP.

This words never fail to drive me crazy, and you yourself know that.

You said that I broke my promises, became insulting and hurtful, but was I even wrong to have merely reacted to your spiteful words and actions?

You weren't even in a rush, but yet wanted me to get you a cab.

I paid for it without saying anything, and you took it as if it was meant to be.

Here I am with only $70 left in my bank account, and I already spent on something we dont even need.

You said you wanted to arrange the stuff by yourself, fine. And after you hit the dead end, you still kept stubborn as to whether I should step in or not, not knowing that if we didnt hurry, the shop has to close and we're running out of time; bearing in mind you had to get your pads and still be in bed before 12am.

The way you treated me and spoke to me was so unloving to begin with, but yet I absorbed everything.

You simply did not know what was troubling me, why I was hurt and why I just went and run 10km out of the blue. Not a single question asked, not a bout of concern at all. All you were tuned into was your work, your portfolio and upcoming camp.

At times you wanted to walk slowly, after a marathon and training, who held in to your hand and walked as slowly as possible without complains? Who willingly took your bag and carried it as though it was nothing despite stares from all around wondering why a big guy like me carries such a bag for a girl. Who went the distance and collected the contacts for you without even complaining? Who cooked porridge when you were sick? Who volunteered to cook when you wanted vegetarian? Who never turns you down when you wanted cereal or salted egg prawns?

Who willingly listens to every bout of complain regarding Darren, Pan, Viv, Vanessa, CCI, mum, Fariz, etc etc, only to receive your flare ups when I needed to have a listening ear?

Granted, you have more friends and have more listening ears, but so easily forgotten it is when all my listening ears have been put into you, with that, time, energy, money and effort, but that means when I have problems, who listens? You? Last week was scary enough.

Suicides, going crazy, condescendance, breaking up, cheating and going behind my back, and the list goes on. All these you have promised but yet broken. Esp about breaking up.

Since these words appear to you ever so easily right, then consider all the above a thorough failed investment. Only you have the right to feel heartbroken and I do not. Only you can receive adversities no other one can withstand, as if I have not received worse.

Whatever it is, only you can feel a certain way but your mental blind-spot denies you from seeing the hurt that you have deeply caused others to have.

I stand mortified. I stand here torn. Reply if you wish otherwise, else consider this my resignation letter.

2011-02-20T21:59:00.000+08:00

whats the point at the end of the day?

how many roses?

how many cards?

how many nights spent together?

how many phonecalls?

how many sorries?

how many apologies?

how much tears?

how much honesty?

how much understanding?

how much love, really.

I said im struggling now like hell, I feel like the world's closing in on me, I feel pressurized, scared, and most importantly, alone.

You said that when the whole world abandons me, you wont. So fucking true, NOT.

you said that you will try your very best not to add anymore pressure on me, so where does that leave today?

You might think that Im okay. IM NOT

Im not okay and I still not okay from yesterday. But no, no words of concern from you.

No words of solace and comfort from you. Fine you say you dont know how, what about even a simple question amidst all my strife, ARE YOU OKAY TODAY?

No. all you could do since the morning is fret over the assessment, while I had to comfort you amidst my struggle, congratulate you once you passed, and hear you talk about your plans for tmr and the business, BUT NOTHING, NOTHING ABOUT ME.

You clearly know im hurting, you clearly know im not out of the woods yet,

IN FACT, YOU WOULDNT EVEN KNOW I I WAS IN TROUBLE EVEN IF I TOLD YOU I WAS.

YOU DIDNT EVEN BOTHER ASKING. YOU WANT COMFORT, YOU GOT IT INSTANTLY FROM ME. WHAT ABOUT ME? WHERE DO I GET IT FROM THEN?

WHAT HAS BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP BENEFITED ME?

no. It was for you. you wanted whatever, you got it. I YEARNED FOR SOME COMFORT, DID YOU GIVE IT?!?!?!!?

Forget it. My mum refuses to talk to me so do you.

My heart is burdened and my yoke is heavy.
I have been hoping all these while that you would help me along this journey, guess the answer is damn fucking clear. Im walking the road alone anyway.

Blame me and hate me for all you want. You words of hatred that you have previously displayed ever so often are not foreign to me. I hurt and I yearn for love, but from you? I'd rather not.

Leave me like and let me suffer in silence then, since from the start you have never help me carry my burdens anyway.What more can I expect now?

Im thoroughly disappointed and disillusioned. I yield and I give up.

All that I need, you didnt bother trying to give.

Now You wont hear me asking it from you.

I simply dont care anymore whether you read it or not. Whatever it is, im calling you one last time.

2011-02-01T17:00:00.000+08:00

Would you just listen and please don't say a word, just yet,
I'd like you to think back to the very first time we met,
How you felt around me? The memories we shared,
And just remember that once upon a time, you really cared.

Now think about how we're apart, and how much I cried,
But please don't speak, remember that I never ever lied,
That I told you the honest truth that I loved you to bits,
But now I'd like you to know that my heart broke bit by bit.

The pain was deep, unbearable and painful, with so many fears,
I'll never forget all the sadness, all the uncontrollable tears,

You were my first love and my true love, that will always be so,
After all of the heartache, sadness and pain, I know,
You and I had something special and that will never change,
Because I love you and loving someone else will always seem strange.

Would you just listen and please don't say a word, not ever,
I'd like you to remember that once upon a time, we said forever,
That I had hopes and dreams, that I was the one who threw them away,
And this is something I will always regret until my dying day.

2011-02-01T04:07:00.000+08:00

Suicide is Man's way of telling God, youre not firing me, I QUIT

No seriously, this thought came past my mind at least 30 times tonight.

Dont ask me how it did, i really cannot comprehend how too.

you told me that you have lost yourself, and that you forgotten who you are before.

Well what about me?

I was once this guy that you knew, sitting at clarke quay, listening, absorbing, and understanding.

I was a great listener, a counsellor, and even a confidante to loads of friends and co workers alike.

I cant dare say I was greatly loved, but at the very least I wasnt greatly hated.

I had lofty dreams, great ways to put words into actions, and knew exactly what to do, where to go.

I had a powerful ability to love whoever came along the road, a love so universal for even one that as you, who felt so condemned.

I made you feel like home, like you belonged, and I genuinely cared for you, and loved you.

Now I'm like this.

default mode, angry, frustrated, short fused, hot tempered confused and heavily stubborn young man.

I had a good stare in the mirror for 2 hours just now.

I asked myself 2 very simple questions that I cannot even solve.

Why do people want to be his friend?

Who do you think this person you are looking at is worth admiring/loving as a husband?

I sincerely cant answer any of these.

Im lost, and to even make things worse, I dont even know who are my friends right now.

At least you have more friends then me, you have more support than me, you have more love around you than I do.

I wasnt like this last year.

Things were really looking up since last year, 31st of Jan.

Then I asked myself, so wad happened?

My answer was you. Instantly

The greatest thing that ever happened.

My love for you remained strong.

But along came things like roystan, like seit, like sh. like pan, and viv and aaron.

It wasnt you per se, but I never knew a relationship had to be so hard.

even before we were even together, already there were so many disapproving voices.

Already were you buying into everything they were saying.

You tell me, how was I not to put put with all thses with a strong front?

How was I to be softer and accept all the pelting from them?

How was I not to protect myself, even sometimes from you, when you went behind my back and cheated on me?

After all these incidences, how could I not grow bitter, angry and short fused?

You asked me these just now, well, here it is. These are the reasons. I've grown battle weary, tired and thoroughly exhausted.

Dont think that youre the only one feeling this way, i did tell you right at the very beginning I didnt feel i was ready to be the man for you.

But i sped up, and matured as fast as I could, so as to accustom myself to you.

So dont you tell me you have tried so hard to be this to be that, becos i too, did all these before hand, and at the background, without you knowing, so as to be the right man for you, when you need me to love you.

I didnt say cos sometimes, love need not be declared, it is the small things, and time- pain staking things that we do in life, that we invest our time in, that makes people feel that they are being loved. Changing bed sheets and washing the toilet isnt done within 10 minutes, but a confession of love does, but does it mean any of these is lesser worth than the other?

I love you, and i dont care what you are, i dont understand why you said i die die must have you to be more this more that then i'll be happy. Am I that sort of person to you?

Do I treat you like a possession? I love you for who you are, even within less than 4 months of knowing you, I did all the things for you during your birthday, just for you, just for who you really are.

Perhaps it registered wrongly in your head, I just meant that it would be great if you could be less violent, less stubborn and softer, so we need not always have these silly conflicts that we seem to be always having.

Broken promises, lying, saying half truths, being afraid and inferior of each other, hidden hatred, all these things werent there in the first place, so why are they here now? Are we not honest enough? Have I not been accepting enough? Have I not swallowed all that had happened before? tell me why have we gotten ourselves into this silly pit?

If you cant say, I'll tell you why. We have been insensitive, self-absorbed, denial-ing, stubborn and provocative towards each other.

Both of us are guilty of these. I admit, my words too often have been coming off too string, and sometimes too harsh, but I was a debater, it was habited, but hey, havent I gotten rid of my default mode? hvanet you became more lady like and demure, and softer? But for some things, some damages have been done, and these things have rolled on into other offences that are most undesirable.

Whatever it is, I still have chosen to embrace you for who you are. I told you this before, and have written in my diary to you before,

I will love you, forever and always, be it in good times or bad, in sickness or in health, through the days of my life, whether is it the good, the bad or the ugly, never will I forsake you, nor leave you, for I love you the way you are, just the way you are that God had beautifully created you to be.

Im sorry that I've sounded too judgmental at times, but I really dont mean it. I truly am sorry that I've become like this, this angry short fused guy. Perhaps after so many constant fires that I had to fight(some from you), I forgotten who I really am and what I were before.

I really meant every word that I said last night when i was lying down next to you, to be a better man for you and to always love and protect you for you are.

But in explanation, the reason why I reacted the way I did was because the 31st of Jan was a special day for us, well, at least for me. I wanted to let you know that I'm still the very same guy that you love, back then at the river bank. I wanted to spend the night with you just talking and listening to your every word and grumble you have. Have I told you how much I love listening to you ramble about the things that are on your mind? I really do and i still do okay?

I was just very disappointed that you just left the place without even wanting to sit there and talk, and we walked past the hardware shop and I had to remind you about that then only did you notice. You didnt even have that sparkle in your eyes like how you always walk past any stadium and cheer on any runner running at the time. I felt extremely sad and demoralized, and I started to doubt even whether do you really love me from the bottom of your heart. I still do, till the very last breath that I take I will always do, but now this is where I stand.

I cant even hear the three words from you, when I needed them the MOST.

I do commit to returning to my nicer self, my normal self, but you, I still only just have three words to say;

I love you.

Would you return to my arms once again?

failure

2011-02-01T01:07:00.000+08:00

Then Im sorry then.

Sorry for being a failure.

You had to let people know that Im such a loser.

That Im such a lousy boyfriend.

My flaws had to be clawed out wide in the open.

Im just simply going through a tough patch of my life right now, with all that has been happening right now, and all I ever needed was a friend, or even just a shoulder lean on, and you said so yourself, that "when the world abandons, you will not."

You had your weaker days, and now Im facing them. Cant I have my fair share of down days too? You think I want them? I dont. But who am I to decide when shit flies into my face?

Im feeling low down today, like super low down, so down that actually my heart actually literally physically hurts. I dont know why but I still picked myself up and met you still, since you wanted to go Chinatown and Clarke Quay.

Nevermind you brought another friend along, but you didnt give two hoots about the spots where it meant alot to my heart, and you just didnt care much even about taking photos with me. Perhaps you arent loving me that much anymore.

You didnt even bother holding my hand throughout today.

You let go so fast, you walked so far ahead, and you didnt even ask if my wound was still hurting or not.

I stood in the rain waiting, crying, but all you did was to feel angry.

Perhaps I am sensitive, too sensitive even, but, werent you too like this at the very beginning?

Didnt I swallow that and accepted that and loved you too?

You said that I left, yes true enough, I seriously left. I left and you simply will never know what or why that caused me to leave. Recall hard enough and you might find the answer.

Forget it.

Forget about the times when you were down and out, and I fought for you,

was there for you, cooked for you,

listened to you,

swallowed everything you poured out and hid my tears and accepted them and still loved you.

Forget about the time when you needed comforting and I was there right away,

Forget about your weak days and I was there supporting you, and did your every bidding whenever you wanted me.

Forget about those days then.

As surely as people always forget history,

so too, were mine in your memory.

Perhaps like you said, when you lose interest in someone, you start falling apart from that person. I dont know whether this is true, but I feel this way now.

2010-11-25T03:30:00.000+08:00

pains me to hear you say all these

it hurts just by hearing you say all these hurtful words

it pierces me right through the heart knowing that you say those things out of anger and fear

you just had to calm down and think for a little while and everything should come into place.

why i had to do the things i did, the choices that I had to make.

if only you could see the part of me that fears, that trembles.

It hurts enough knowing that sometimes i cannot be who I wanna be

It pains even more seeing you being insensitive and cryolic about it

your words were so cold, so stern, so demanding.

you had your days when you were vulnerable and weak, and was just purely in defensive mode for fear that the world might devour you up.

Well, today was one of those days.

I asked merely of your patience and kindness and a lil love that there is to spare,

and all you could give was reasons of your ulcer, your busyness, your fatigue, your stress and studies.

You wanted me to promote your products for you and I did so in full fervor

I spent so much time online just sourcing the products for you so that you could earn more and have an easier time.

The only reply at the end of the day was that I was poking my nose into it too much and I had no right in trying to do anything.

Im crying so hard on the phone and while typing this, but you just wont see it and even if you did, you dont care much anymore.

You promised that you will learn to cherish me more and be more understanding and patient with me, as did I, when on those days when you were sick, I brewed the porridge of love and slowly and painstakingly cooked it and brought it to your place, just so that you will not starve, knowing full well that you could not move around to make your own food.

Please know that I, too am a human being, with emotions running as deep as anyone could possibly be.

I need love, care and concern just like anyone whom needs them

I have allowed you to become such a big part of my life so much so that you have officially taken over 95% of my time and thoughts in my mind.

You said that you are torn apart between your friends and me. If you didnt make it clear to them initially that all matters pertaining to me are off limits, would you still be receiving so much flak regarding this. They say that great minds are oft belittled by many who fear, envy and anger those who do. If you chose to shut your mind out to those comments, would you still be receiving so much bad comments?

I'll tell you what I did. All matters pertaining to you were strictly off-limits to friends, family and even church people. Because I love you so much that I cannot stand people I love belittling you.

I never wanted to be torn in between like how you have found yourself trapped in. I made it clear, I made my own stand very early. I'm the one who is attached to you, not my mother, my friends nor my fellow believers, so why should I regard their opinions above those of mine?

You allowed the amounts of comments and the numerous opinions of others to stand in your way towards me;and I stand at the end of the line only to hear their rants through your mouth. THROUGH YOUR VERY MOUTH. I dont care if they are the ones who say it in my face, for they dont matter as much as you. But to hear their opinions being spoken by you, and even endorsed by you its truely a magnificent stab to the very heart that beats for you. Shouldn't you have put a shut ear to those haters? Should you have not picked up these comments and remembered them, will you still have to face them later?

People like Aaron, Vivienne, Victor Pan, Victor Seit, and so many more, why are their comments about me more important than your thoughts of me? Why should their thoughts influence and me above your thoughts of me? Should not your views of me be more important than their's? Why should you accept their way of thinking and not your own, and allow them to think on behalf of you?

Now you are caught right in the middle of the maze that you have drawn for yourself, and you hate me for everything. Why? Why do I have to be the one that receives the hatred and anger when all you had to do in the very beginning was to restrict their opinions and say, "I respect what you have to say Mr XXX, but I would love you to have your own opinions to yourself, for by hearing what you might otherwise be thinking as intelligent may have very detrimental effects on the relationship that I am having with Isaac. For I would be consistently be second-guessing myself and your words might seed doubts that are extremely unfounded in the very first place."

These are the words I have said 28 times to the number of disapproving individuals. I do not have to face them and their unbelieving eyes, for they know i know myself better than they know me, and so too applies for you, why not? You have always said that you know yourself well above others what, so why do you allow others to be in the driving seat in such crucial matters?

I love you and thats all that I pretty much know now. You cant see it but that is exactly what that is hurting me like mad now. You in turn said you decided to love life and abandon me, when precisely 10 months ago you said the phrase when the whole world abandons you, you never will. Today marks the tenth month of you saying this and this is how you wish to mark the occasion.

Your words and coldness pierces right through and you have completely no idea how much this kills me now. I yearned only to have a confidante in you much it seems that nothing is left that is worthy in your eyes to you now. I have officially become a naught to you and nothing that you wish to hold on to. Those are the cold words you have left for me. While I stand here waiting, your heart has flung far away.

Waking up to you have never been so real, but those are perhaps, history.

You chose to be antagonistic and rain your terror on me when all I wanted from you today was a tiny bit of your love available. Since you could not even give it then I have nothing to hope for anymore.

Today was the day that I have mustered the courage to ask you to be my girlfriend, as you can see from today's morning gestures, but I never expected things to have turned out this sour.

All I wanted to let you know, while I fetch from school, while holding you in my arms, is that everything will be fine, and that while looking at you, into your eyes, will I pop that question.

But you chose not to pick up my calls, answering them with cold words, not even bothering to reply my smses.

I have said enough with this post. This is not intended for anyone to read, but if you read it, then so be it. 2010 was supposed to be the year of the tens, not so for me.

2010-11-25T01:22:00.000+08:00

it hurts.

to know that everything you have done is greeted only with stoic.
just because you need to be goal-oriented, then you just leave me and say that im oversensitive.
when you needed me to be with you, im always around.
now you just abandon me
you just dont know how hurtful your words can be.
you just have no idea how much those words pierced me.
i waited by the phone the whole day, waiting wishing that you might want to spend at least 5 mins talking to me,
i spoke to you in the morning expressing my love and trust i have in you, and how much you meant to me.
but the only thing i get in return after going high and low for you is your frustrations.
your impatience, your anger.
you dont see it, you dont feel it, but from the person that is receiving your full blow, i can
thanks for nothing.
you made me feel so damn interior around you.
i feel like i have amounted to nothing so far, and this is how you treat me.
you can just so easily sweep everything with one brush and regard everything as nothing.
EVERYTHING single little thing is regarded as naught when something goes wrong.
NOthing. absolutely nil.

Perhaps this is how i am supposed to be.

Goodbye.

2010-11-14T23:42:00.001+08:00

henceforth, this blog is thereby declared

closed

2010-08-31T00:02:00.000+08:00

Isaac uses judgment to make decisions. He is ruled by his head, not his heart. He is a cool, collected person who is usually unexpressive emotionally. Some may see him as unemotional. He does have emotions but has no need to express them. He is withdrawn into himself and enjoys being alone.

The circumstances when Isaac does express emotions include: extreme anger, extreme passion, and tremendous stress. If someone gets him mad enough to tell him off, he will not be sorry about it later. He puts a mark in his mind when someone angers him. He keeps track of these marks and when he hits that last mark he will let them know they have gone too far. He is ruled somewhat by self-interest. All his conclusions are made without outside emotional influence. He is very level-headed and will remain calm in an emergency situation. In a situation where other people might get hysterical, he has poise.

Isaac will work more efficiently if given space and time to be alone. He would rather not be surrounded by people constantly. In a relationship, he will show his love by the things he does rather than by the things he says. Saying "I love you" is not a needed routine because he feels his mate should already know. The only exception to this is if he has logically concluded that it is best for his mate to hear him express his love verbally.

Isaac is not subject to emotional appeals. If someone is selling a product to him, they will need to present only the facts. They should present them from a standpoint of his sound judgment. He will not be taken in by an emotional story about someone else. He will meet emergencies without getting hysterical and he will always ask "Is this best for me?"

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Isaac doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

Isaac will demand respect and will expect others to treat him with honor and dignity. Isaac believes in his ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. He has a lot of pride.

Isaac is talkative. He enjoys talking and socializing. He may talk when there is absolutely nothing important to say. He enjoys speaking.

Isaac can be defiant. He sometimes has the attitude that if someone doesn't like it the way he is doing it, then they can just "go to hell!" This trait may reveal itself in a rebellious nature that is always ready to resist forces which he thinks are infringing upon his freedom of action.

In reference to Isaac's mental abilities, he has a very investigating and creating mind. He investigates projects rapidly because he is curious about many things. He gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but he soon must slow down and look at all the angles. He probably gets too many things going at once. When Isaac slows down, then he becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, he must slow down to do it. He then decides what projects he has time to finish. Thus he finishes at a slower pace than when he started the project.

He has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. His mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. He can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Isaac can then switch into his low gear. When he is in the slower mode, he can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. He is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Isaac's true self-image is unreasonably low. Someone once told Isaac that he wasn't a great and beautiful person, and he believed them. Isaac also has a fear that he might fail if he takes large risks. Therefore he resists setting his goals too high, risking failure. He doesn't have the internal confidence that frees him to take risks and chance failure. Isaac is capable of accomplishing much more than he is presently achieving. All this relates to his self-esteem. Isaac's self-concept is artificially low. Isaac will stay in a bad situation much too long... why? Because he is afraid that if he makes a change, it might get worse. It is hard for Isaac to plan too far into the future. He kind of takes things on a day to day basis. He may tell you his dreams but he is living in today, with a fear of making a change. No matter how loud he speaks, look at his actions. This is perhaps the biggest single barrier to happiness people not believing in and loving themselves. Isaac is an example of someone living with a low self-image, because their innate self-confidence was broken.

Isaac has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. He lets new people into his circle of friends. He uses his imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer's attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space. If the inputted data was correct Isaac has left some white space on the left side of the paper. Isaac fills up the rest of the page in a normal fashion moving the entire writing rightward as he moves down the page. If this is true, then Isaac has a healthy relationship to the past and is ready to move on. The right side of the page represents the future and Isaac is ready and willing to get started living now and planning for the future. Isaac is leaving the past behind and moving on to what he perceives as an exciting and enticing future.

2010-08-28T12:51:00.000+08:00

IT HURTS SO BAD.
BUT THIS I WILL REMEMBER

everything that has happened happened for a reason.
my answer is simple.
the time is not yet right, the season has not yet come,
just like eating a green mango, so too will be the sour aftertaste
when we rush in too quickly
when we are too hasty
when neither of us aren't ready
the results might just be damn sour
how sweet would it really be, the promise of a ripened time
when we are fully free to say that either of us are complete
God is good, and His timing is better than ours

if you wish to go ahead with your life so be it
i have no right to stop you neither and will I
just know that i am keeping myself for you
and you only
I love you and i love you enough to say no now, rather than you hate me later.
You know the reasons why this cant happen now.

IT HURTS ME LIKE HELL. If only you know.
youre so cold now.
you whisper, and i shiver inside
when you tear sadness, a little of me dies inside
its just a goodbye, goodbye for now
if you can read this, know that I TRUELY LOVE YOU
4 5683 968 263 84287 255 4 732559 5669

2010-08-02T13:49:00.000+08:00

It has occurred to me that some people see me as one that thinks too much.

Perhaps you are right.
Yeah I'm the one being too sensitive.
Growing up without a father was to be like this.
Going through NS without a father is like this.

Yup, if one thinks that a I'm affected by a mere uninvite to a stupid gaming session is trivial then the one that thinks this way is trivial. It goes way beyond this, and in fact only after this even did I realise how far we have departed. Some say I did not share my life story with the guys, I beg to differ because:
THERE IS NOTHING TO SHARE, AND MY LIFE THIS YEAR IS BORING.

It affetcs me this much stems not from that single event, the way you think I'm simpily affected by this silly lan game issue is embarrasing, and to know that things have changed way beyond whatI previously thought it has. Perhaps its really my fault, I really dont know and now I simply dont care anymore. If it was about me and if you guys think I'm hiding something then so be it. I always thought we will ALWAYS be tgt but ah well, its just too bad.

I'm so stressed now
I just wanna cuddle up in the corner and die.

And there is nothing more I wish to share.
This blog shall be abandoned thereafter.

2010-08-02T13:00:00.000+08:00

This isn't even about you.

Why get so emotionally affected? The heck.
Thanks for piling on the stress.

2010-08-01T15:54:00.001+08:00

Trust, Trust in the Lord
lean not on your own understanding
and in all, all of your ways, acknowledge Him
He'll make your path straight.
Amen.

Humans fail, friends betray, brothers turn their backs and ignore, but God you never do that.
Lately I've been hit by many sides in this not-so-merry merry-go-round; and my heart is burdened, and my throat is sore.

I thought I trusted the people correctly, had faith that things will get better, after all that has been said by them. But no. Somehow the train took off without me. Its not the emo mood despite the exams being so near, albeit the temptation to get into it is high, but God I promise I will keep my head held high to look upon you for guidance and strength.

Say that I'm petty, but I always thought I had brothers in church, much more than it seems now, apparently.

Sad fact: It isn't so. First it starts off with some minor differences, but I always thought we were cool about it. Since we are all made differently but also made in the image of God therefore all's ok. Then distance grew. No longer were there deep honest sharings that sprouts voluntarily. Someone still thought that my apparent surprise about chancing on a fact was sacastic. I was being one, I genuinely was surprised. But what hit me harder was the fact that you didn't share with me, your brother. I thought I am. Now I was.

Then came the division. You guys decided to call someone else to join in you some fun who lives even further from the vicinity than mine, despite that I'm only 5 stops away. Perhaps I'm no longer the 'IN' crowd and therefore I'm left out. Sigh.

What happened?

I really dunno. I'm saddened and I'm quite utterly disappointed. Today I couldn't hide it anymore. Sadly, I really really hate to say this, and it hurts my heart to say this, but somehow, my heart has grown bitter against you guys. I really loved being called into brotherhood in Christ with you all, but I suppose to you its a distant memory already. I really miss being with you guys, as in REALLY in the midst of fellowship and knowing that God was in the middle of all our conversations and actions.
Silly really, that I'm actually tearing quite hard as I'm typing this post. It somehow just suddenly dawned upon me that wow, we really became far apart. Maybe I'm the one who is pulling away. I don't know. Nobody said anything anyway. Baargh.

I miss you Gareth, I miss you Rui Xiang I miss you Hong Jing, I miss you James,
I really really MISS US.
I REALLY DON'T FREAKING CARE IF THIS SOUNDS GAY FOR ALL I CARE.
Those who don't know please shut up.

Am I now a Past Tense to you already?

Sigh

2010-07-28T15:08:00.000+08:00

I Care, but I can't really care

I try to protect, but I'm over-protective.

Now I do the entire diabolical opposite.

I DON'T CARE AND
ITS NONE OF MY DAMN BUSINESS ANYMORE

2010-07-18T15:26:00.000+08:00

You won't know,
simply cos you didnt bother to ask

WHY WE SUCK AT COMMUNICATION,'
thus explaining a high divorce rate.

Don't assume that people are feeling in a certain way just because people do certain things that seem to suggest something, that might not be even what you are thinking.

Talk, communicate, ask.
NOT ponder, wonder, guess and assume.

You want a closer walk? Try stepping up and letting people know that you care, that you approach others and ask genuinely how have life been.
NOT just telling others how you feel and what you are going through. Though its imperative that we know what you feel, it isn't communication.

Listen, hear, try to understand
NOT preach, yonder and advice. The world needs not another preacher nor a self-help book. We simply need ears. Provide them, understand the problems.

Thats all we need.

Thats all I need.
If you can't even give that, then lets not go further.

MV HD ENG | G.Na (지나) ft. Jun Hyung - 꺼져 줄게 잘 살아「K-Pop July 2010」

2010-07-18T14:42:00.000+08:00

I'll back off so you can live
Say it directly
Looking at me
Say it looking into my eyes
Did you just say you wanted to break up?
Did you want to end it with me?
(I know) You probably got a lady
(I know) You probably got sick of me
even though the tears are rushing to me

I'll back off so you can live
That is all i can say
I'll forget you so you can live better
I'll back of so you can live
So that you will be happy without me
The Love you tossed away
You can take it
Don't leave even a trace behind and take it all
Don't even say you are sorry
Don't worry about me

Sorry My Sweety
Your lips that told me that you were going to leave
Why does it give me a reason to be angry today?
I need to stop you
The words don't go out
And you are already moving far apart

(I know) You will forget me
(I know) I will really hate you
Even though you know everything

I'll back off so you can live
That is all i can say
I'll forget you so you can live better
I'll back of so you can live
So that you will be happy without me
The Love you tossed away
You can take it
Don't leave even a trace behind and take it all
Don't even say you are sorry
Don't worry about me

(You) The reason i lived
(You) You were all i wanted
You~
It was me who only looked at you
(Why) Why are you leaving?
(Why) Why are you tossing me away?
If you were going to be like this
Why did you love me in the first
place?

Do you happen to remember that day?
That day when we first met
I still remember it
The promise you made to me
That you will only care for me
That you will only protect me
That you will only love me
I believed your lies
I believed it

(Oh) Oh Oh Oh Oh
Did you really love me?
(Oh) Oh Oh Oh Oh
No No No No
(Oh) Oh Oh Oh Oh
I'll forget so you can live better

2010-07-18T02:05:00.000+08:00

Sorry isn't the hardest word

Infact, its the easiest.

Sorry is just a word. Its cheap and it can be used continuously
Its a powerful word, sometimes too often misused and misunderstood.
Sorry is an understatement, an uniquivocal expression of how one feels remorse over a subject.
Sorry heals wounds, but solidifies scars.
Brings temporal peace, but doesn't end wars.
...

Sorry is just a word. What's comes next is the true answer.

The Man Rules

2010-07-17T12:37:00.000+08:00

Girls, Learn them by hard, please.

We always hear “THE RULES” From the female side….

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered “1 ” ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers. (FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1.. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.

Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it WILL be scratched.

We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Soccer or Rugby.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. ROUND IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

How could you be so HEARTLESS?

2010-07-15T21:06:00.001+08:00

Never has this equation been more unequalised.

So much has been put in and sacrificed. So liitle understood.
She mistook goodwill and respect for neglect and selfishness.
So much effort put in for so little comfort.

Sometimes, in a relationship, love for the individual isnt everything.
It MUST be coupled with patience, kindness, trust, communication, understanding, emotional maturity and love.
All these I can say with confidence I have given my my heart, but how much of these have you shown?
And you say boldly that you are ready. Are you?

Im totally drained, fatigued, disheartened and utterly disappointed.

Kryptology

2010-07-14T20:33:00.000+08:00

Hmm

People have always been hated Lex Luthor for being evil, being power hungry and the diabolical opposite of Superman.

Then I've always wondered, after looking at Lex's history, he's actually not that bad to begin with!! He was best friends with Clark, abandoned his campaigns against finding out who Clark was, and ultimately made the sacrifice by saving Clark while risking both their lives.

But Clark chose not to trust him, after the n number of times Lex bailed him out, and supported (quite substantially) financial support that Clark's family needed so badly at times. So in the face of denial from Clark of his true self and distrust, Lex decided to embark on his own journey to find his own fulfillment in his life, which at times can be selfish, but then, how often do paths collide between individulas, who want the same goal and there is only so much to go around?

Then the rest is just history. Between the proposed good and evil. But then again, who defines Lex as evil? In fact, I for one think Lex is the hero here, in the early stages of his relationship with the to-be-Superman. If Lex knew more about Clark, he could not only devote all his resources to help Clark, he might even help Clark save the world. But no, history will always be kinder to those who win, and in this case, survive.

Watching Smallville after 9 seasons spanning all these years taught me that beyond the good that some say/show some are, therein always lies a bigger truth.

I for one, believe Lex Luthor is good, even for as long as we knew, his nature has always been torn between the innocent good and evil, it was ultimately Clark's betrayal and mistrust that brought Lex to choose the darker, more vehemont side of his character.

So here's to Lex Luthor; a toast for how much greater you would've been if given the right circumstance and situation.

Just for this, GREEN KRYTONITE FTW

Ugh ugh ugh UGHHH!!!

2010-07-07T23:53:00.000+08:00

It's so damn frustrating!

I supppose everything that was gained from retreat has been totally gone. I hate to revert back to this impatient self but lately I really havent been spending some important me time when everything's been about Fiona, Fiona and Fiona.

UGH. I'm so UGH now I feel like im on a rampage or something. Why cant you be more understanding? Why cant you be more accommodating?! Havent I been? Havent I been super accepting for everything that you are?

Why are you so dignent that I have hurt you when you werent the one that was feeling hurt at the first place? Argh call it jealous if you may, but im not that generous to be begin with! I took a HUGE GAMBLE to be with you, to spend time with you, against all odds, instead of spending time on my studies.

Viv, aaron and the whole fucking saga does affect me more than you think. Just that you cant see it, cos you need my calmness more than I do. But have you actually spared a thought for me? How quickly you pushed away and forgot about the porridge and all the things that I have done for you when I simply said something that I felt strongly in my heart? You have your way of accepting people. And I have mine. Why must it always be about you you ans only you? Cant I feel unjustified too?

You always wanted the things your way, and you did. I tried to teach you as much as I could and you did pick up alotta things. But I think its time you start caring more about the people who truely care about you, instead of just saying it or feeling it. Its no use feeling something and not doing something about it.

Im fucking stressed up and I really dont need to worry about some fucker who's gonna be flying some spannar into the works because he feels like it. You simply dont understand WHY? BECAUSE YOU DIDNT FUCKING BOTHER TO ASK.
and if you do have feelings, things like these needn't even be asked. One just knows.
I KNOW WHEN YOU ARE DOWN. I KNOW WHEN SOMETHING'S BOTHERING YOU.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ME NOW? guess not.
So much for mutuality

2010-04-29T14:54:00.000+08:00

ARGH

I love you but I know that we are not ready.
I wanna spend every moment with you but somehow reality just doesnt let it
Time flies when I just sit there with you and know that you are sitting right there with me too :)
I wanna give up everything and just fly with you, to do all things that makes you happy
But this world just cant allow that.

The words you spoke of yesterday had untold damages.
You simply tore yourself apart, and at the same time you tore me up with you too.
You didnt know you made me cry
You didnt know how much it disappoints
You didnt know how much my heart wrenched when I saw those words appearing on my screen
You simply just didnt see it cos I didnt let it.

You make me whole, but also left me a big hole in my heart.
Pain and tears

2009-10-25T14:13:00.000+08:00

Responsibility kills in Army. TRUE STORY.

I dont know if this applies elsewhere but I'm pretty darn sure it does in the ARMY.
I mean, if you are like 'too up', other than places like training institutes, you're just gonna be overused, and before ya know it, yeah you got your hands super tied up with work.(and all the crap that comes with work, like politics and stress)

Lets look at two typical scenarios in an everyday life of army.
Soldierboi Charles Keng VS Soldier MAXIMUS.
Charles doesn't come to work on time, cant be trusted with much work since he tends to screw up, and he has a nasty attitude.
Maximus on the other hand, is competent, hardworking and pretty responsible.

Now as like any superior in army, you need to deliver results, and ultimately have a smooth running of events happening around. So in the end MAXIMUS the trustworthy one gets the whole damn bulk.

What I'm trying to say is that the events that has been happening lately in my office suddenly donned upon me that actually, responsibilty actually gets you into more trouble! I mean, you get a higher chance to screw up, you tend to have more mistakes along the way, and at the end of the day, your efforts may not be recognised at all because THATS YOUR BLOODY JOB.

So crossing myself to the otherside might not be that bad an idea after all. I mean, sure people WILL make noise, and ultimately have a lousy impression, but herein lies the debate.

I'm a Christian, a creation after the heart of God. He made me in the image of His and by that virtue I should live up to that image. I should emulate what Jesus has done in situations like these. I should be ann example to follow, but......
My rep in office aint a staint, and please, its nowhere near at all. So how far can I actually fall away from the ideal plan when I'm already so far away already?!

But as I look around me, I see all that I can be, all those times I could have spent just chilling with my friends, but no......I had to spend time worrying about whats gna happen next, wads gna happen to me if I didnt do this and do that, when in the first place, I DIDNT BLOODY SIGN UP FOR THIS.

I think Im gonna be like my upper-study, Aik Boon, chillexed, and just plain DUN CARE.
But, as much as I try to, my character just disallows that to happen!!!
URGH!!!!

2009-10-07T21:38:00.000+08:00

Love Thy Neighbour

Good Evenings Gentlemens and Ladies
Its me agains ats works. Stuck in Office for some OH-SO-IMPORTANT-DUTY. no really.

Hahahhh.
Just did fard-legs and gym.
For those who aren't running junkies, its those sprint-jog-sprint-jog regimes.
For those who went through proper army, AKA Pes A/B, its 30-60 la
Last time I did those properly was back in ACJ man. TnF days were shaggerdalic.

Now as I attempt once again to see how powder-ful my legs and lungs are, I could fell that my soul was leaving me right after the sprints; and my heart was bounching outta my my chest like some freaking ticking time bomb.

Damn I'm old. And I CAN FEEL IT.

So much for 6-pecs huh. hahahahaha

Okay Today's topic is Reminisce.

I dunno, for a long time since last I really felt many urges to be attached again, to be in someone else's ams.

OKAY WAIT. I dunn wanna b caught dead in this topic, so if there are any ACTS Stars United Youth here who is reading this; Disclaimer ah: This is Kor Isaac's personal recount and in no way is this any form of role model nor example that you should live by in full entirety. Since its impossible to shoo you off and deter your curiousity in reading on, just take note la ah.

Okay back to the story.
I mean, it has been 4 years since I was in a proper relationship with someone and that I actually really could still feel the pains and yearns of being in one again. So many times have I compared myself to those times when I was in a relationship again, to feel so at ease, to feel so in place.
But once the seperation sets in, it becomes super hard to live by the facty that you have just lost something you hold so dearly to your heart.

Perhaps this' the reason why so many elders in our church say that we shouldn't get attached so early; so soon. The potential-and in this case, inevitable- damage that it could wrought upon the personal being is just too darn high.

Laugh as hard as you can, that relationship lasted only for a period little over a month. Yes, its short, but twas no different from any reationship.

What parted us was actually chiefly because of our studies. We loved each other so much that we had to let each other go for the sake of our future. Sad fact, true fact. No emoing here, but sometimes when I think back twas a bitter sweet experience. What we had was one that I would not trade for anything else, but as sure as the sun would rise, the break up was just as inevitable.

God played His part as well, and mind you, He played it well. That relationship wasn't God-centered. She wasn't Christian. I was. Slowly it churned in me that God as calling for intimacy with Him in my life and slowly His constant calls had a toll on my heart. My spirit just couldn't take it anymore. I was tied between the two loves in my life. Twas until then I approached Auntie Bee Choo for help. Counselling helped LOADS.

This may sound really confusing and even hypocrital for some, but I had battles in my heart that as I explain here you would slowly understand. I weren't being God-centered as I entered this relationship, I was just looking for an outlet of love and intimacy, just like any other human being. So along came G. Yes lets name her G.

G liked me. I liked G. A LOT. I did stuff only people could imagine. She had such an impact on my life that she switched my L1R5 around. From 21 to 12; from Mids to Prelims.
She was the source of my strength, temporarily. My life held lies as well. Too many. I lied to her too many times on too many things.

So came upon one day we decided mutually that we would give ourselves space and time to go study, esp me for my O's.
I came up with enough courage to say yes to it despite having so much feelings against it, but I just felt that I had too many things on my mind. I failed to make us happy.

Just as I had said, I would've not changed this experience for anything else. And I cant anyway.
But given an alternative, I would've stayed as friends. Its way more longer-lasting. Its way more rewarding. Its way more innocent. Till we were both ready for things will we start dating would've been a better idea.
I was wrong to have taken advantage of her first love, her first kiss. NO I didn't cross any lines I must've have crossed as pre-married couples shouldn't. I would've been a better blessing if I remained as an encourager to her as her friend, and her as my comforter and listening friend.
I loved the friendship that we had.

And now all that I'm feeling right now could be labelled as-Falling in love of the FEELING of being in love.

Damage done, chapter ended, book closed.

I miss you G, just really hope that we could at least be friends again. Just a fraction of what we had as friends would really bee an awesome thing.
But who am I to ask for such things?

I'm sorry G. I really hope that you would be as happy as you would ever could be =)
I miss us, just as plain friends =/

2009-10-04T09:41:00.000+08:00

Silence Noticed

I know

Its been 3 months

I know.

Bet there're no readers here except for the self-glorifying me here then heheh.
Sometimes this webbie has become a personal shortcut for me to browse through my family and friends' blogs when im not at home (aka office), which eases the need to memories all their urls.

A lotta stuff have been through my mind lately; and dfefinitely alotta events hae come and gone during this quart of the year.

For Church and personal highs;
Youth Outreach Event: Bt Timah Scanvenger
Young Adults' Retreat was awesome
Had Baptism =))
Lost 6kg in two weeks
My first two pecs are appearing =DD

I've realised that Prayer is so darn imporatnt in our relationship with God;
Its like, talking to another person: without conversations how can one grow closer to another?
So for those who have backslided, just like how a doctor asks the question, "What's wrong?"
You can safely say that most backsliders don't pray much, thus the fallout. Ain't Surprising.

Its been a long time since I've actually felt good about myself. No not the slimming down after-effects-(though I cant say it isnt contributing to it), I've actually been able to let go of all the hatred and animosity that made me such a fiesty and angsty idiot.

Holding on so tightly onto things have been a thing of the past. Its just refreshing to be free again. I mean, we are free from Christ's redemption, so why aer we still living like unbelievers? We have gotten true salvation, and with CHrist in us, there isn't a thing on Earth that can stop us, from reaching out, from shining in the fullest of glory for the Lord.
Call me religious, call me pious, my friends, but my God gave me a heart of strength and Love.
LOVE. He didn't call me to dominate, to triumph over others like me, He didn't call me to get ahead by fighting senselessly.

He called me to live my life to the fullest, my life to have meaing, my life to be abundant, and abounding, in love for you, me and all of us.

So lets?

2009-07-22T16:01:00.000+08:00

Spiritual Walk or Spiritual Strain?

Argh its just so hard.

How can the mouth that praises God be the one that also curses man?
How can the body/temple of God be also the place of desecration?
How can one who is saved behave as if he just lost his soul?
How can the recpticals of knowledge and truth be the same as the vacuum for lust and greed?
How can one who strives for a greater love for God be the same one who drives towards the love for Earthly joys?
How can all this happen?

Its like the ironies of life, ya know, but just alot worse.

Like we are getting richer, but are losing value,
we are getting more connected, but not closer,
we are getting smarter, but losing morals,
more conviniences, less time,
more degrees, less common sense
more medicine, less wellness
we talk too much, love too little.

We have added years to life, but not LIFE to Years.

What a paraox, what irony.

Been pondering alot about my walk in life, and I mean spiritually; its been such a roller coaster.
Will I even get better?
Should I even go for my baptism?

Man...our blood are just so full of worries.

2009-07-18T09:11:00.000+08:00

oh so different, oh so good

Its an awesome weekend I say.
Its not any super-duper special weekend, its just special, and different, somehow.
Had half-day offs on Thursday and Friday, went over to Granny's place and had a nice chat for a long time with her, disturbed my 2 lovely sisters/cousins, and for a first time in a long time, I mamnaged to calmed down and let life take the 'pause'.

Sat it is and there'r a loada things ta do, but just for this moment I'm gonna just sit down, having enjoyed my awesomest breakfast with Aunt, and just surf n blog.
It 8.30 in the morning and I'm online on msn, facebook, hotmail and yahoo.

I feel so connected.

2009-07-06T20:16:00.000+08:00

WOAH IS IT JULY ALREADY?!!

Skipped a month of blogging for obvious reasons, didnt wanna get caught up with all the hype bout H1N1 recently, especially from where I work at. But hey, other than that life's been pretty good!

I dont know about tmr, but today this day I will praise the Lord for He is Great.
Church retreat's been awesome, back to the place where it all began, the great journey of the start of Eternal Life.
Goiong back there's just nostalgic, but in my mind it has a bitter-sweet rench on my heart; 10 years have I been a Christian, how far have I grown with the Lord? How many awesome times compared to tragic times have I encountered? Its just funny to think about all those memories I had with that place.

But all's been good! Life is picking up, and I really really hope things'll look great!

Shoutout @ peeps>>>
To Becky
Jennifer
Eunice

WELCOME HOME

To Rui Xiang
Hong Jing
Joseph
Joel
Jian Yong

WELCOME TO SAF

2009-05-25T18:47:00.000+08:00

Update W.E M.U.S.T.

So okay, the day's been pretty alluringly fine with 3/4 of the office gone either for YC (Yam Cha, as my office dudes love to call it), Recce, or just serving Bunk Duty.
So here I was chilling out in the Office where it struck me hard that I had to do some running before the big ol' 42k comes along and I don't really wanna be caught unprepared.

Went to change, ran.
As I moved to the 4th lap the heat of the day just got so bad I couldnt even concentrate on the breathing. Finally gave up after the Fifth. So yup;
Preparation for the Adidas Sundown ;
Mileage so far: 6.5km
CHIA LAT

It got me so worried that I chickened at the thought of just letting it go, but NOOOOO,
I had to be such a jellyfish that I called the organisers how much time do I have to complete the marathon without forfeiting the Finisher T-Shirt and the Medal.
Then the calmness sets in.

10 hours

That the amount of time I need to complete the Sundown!! HAHAHAH
I can do a 42km Route March with that pace la!
Heheheh.

Alright back to how the day went.
Flag lowering was hair raising man.
Edwin, Yes the one whose Surname is Goh, screwed up the PA system that not only did he not stop the music from playing, he allowed the soundtrack to go on to the next song.
Yes, the morning anthem.

DIE

Dunno what the Duty Officer's gna do tonight.
PARTY AT THE GUARD HOUSE BABY

But my guys are ready.
They're prepared.
They have their camouflage paints and nets on,
They have the next Gen. pixelized uniform.
They have been briefed of their duties.
They have set their fears together, in one collective voice.
They have ushered unity that was never seen in the Guard House ever before.

THEY ARE MY WARRIORS.
(na la~ just my guard duty personnel who are so scared pissed of the Officer tonight that they actually listened super attentively to the stuff I told them just now.)

So far so good, except for Edwin, who's perpetually a walking disaster, everything's pretty cool

2009-05-25T08:58:00.000+08:00

What A Way to Start the Week

Guard Duty on Monday.
Slept 4 hours yesterday; still quite surprised how I managed to wake up today.

Code Geass still rocks my sock; and the soundtrack still rings in my ear.

Today, I heard that the DO's pretty fierce. Lets see how much fire I can take from him.
Im just worried about my Guard 2IC.
Yes, he's Edwin Goh.

Oh noooooooo.
I still have my AHM mileage to clear. Chia Lat

My God is an Awesome God

2009-05-18T23:48:00.000+08:00

I am a part of the fellowship of the Unashamed.

I have the Holy Spirit Power.
The die has been cast.
I have stepped over the line.
The decision has been made.
I am a disciple.

I won't look back,
let up,
slow down,
back away,
or be still.

My past is redeemed,
my present makes sense,
and my future is secure.
I am finished and done
with low living,
side walking,
small planning,
smooth knees,
colorless dreams,
tame visions,
mundane talking,
chintzy giving,
and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need
pre-eminence,
prosperity,
position,
promotions,
plaudits,
or popularity.

I don't have to be right,
first,
tops,
recognized,
praised,
regarded,
or rewarded.

I now live by presence,
learn by faith,
love by patience,
lift by prayer,
and labor by power.

My pace is set,
my gait is fast,
my goal is Heaven,
my road is narrow,
my way is rough,
my companions few,
my Guide is reliable,
my mission is clear.

I cannot be bought,
compromised,
deterred,
lured away,
turned back,
diluted,
or delayed.
I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice,
hesitate in the presence of adversity,
negotiate at the table of the enemy,
ponder at the pool of popularity,
or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won't
give up,
back up,
let up,
or shut up until I've preached up,
prayed up,
paid up,
stored up,
and stayed up for the cause of Christ.

I am a disciple of Jesus Christ.
I must go until He returns,
give until I drop,
preach until all know,
and work until He comes.

And when He comes to get His own,
He will have no problem recognizing me.
My colors will be clear for
"I am not ashamed of the Gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes.." (Romans 1:16)

2009-05-17T10:54:00.000+08:00

What an awesomely orchestrated Screwed-up day

Just had AHM duty today. Its incredibly screwed up.
Was the admin IC paired up with none other than the Goh.
No no, not just any goh, its EDWIN GOH.

First thing in the morning woke up with an ache in the head, whilst knowing that I'm gonna so miss today's worship just made it suck even more.

Then came the drivers who did not know how to get to ECP.
Then came the Ice Machine being locked up albeit me having the key to the locks (yes those fools changed it)
Then came the insufficient manpower to load up the stores.
Then came the TRSes being forgotten to bring.
.
.
Then set off, finally.
.
.
.
Then long journey.
.
.
..
...
Reached there, found out theres insufficient water points.
Then came MWO WONG.
Complained like a scorned old faggot.
Hell spewed out in the form of words.
Then came Edwin forgetting he left the bicycle unmanned at the CP.
Then came all the participatants
Then came the idea that he should cancel my DAY OFF today for the screwed up layout at ECP.
Then came the thoughts to me;

I lost my Sunday to this shit duty that I did not even volunteer for.

I lost my coveted Sunday Service taht I wanted to attend but this shit ass duty kept me down the whole morning.

I lost my Saturday night cuz I needed to stay-in the might before for this crap duty

I lost my time at home which I could very well use to do some productive housework

I now am losing my DAY OFF because MWO WONG thinks that the layout sucks.

I now sit in my office.

I am thinking.

AM STILL THINKING.

What actually screwed up?

Was it me being careless?

Was it me being ignorant?

Is it me being arrogant?

What constitutes a build up to becoming a screw up?
What progressed it to bocome such a disaster?

Lately things have been awesomely screwed up.
I lost my applications to the two UNIs I have applied to.
NTU and SMU
I lost the confidence taht I had that kept me going.
I lost the faith and fuel to keep me going despite tough times. Now I just drag my ass off to work.
I lost the sense and touch of family members that I was once closed to.
I lost the joy of being around friends whom I feel comfortable with.
I lost my best friends.
I lost my bros I once had.

WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE?

WHAT DID I DO?

What kind of life am I living?

I should just like, die.

I no longer seem to care.

I no longer wanna care.

I no longer hold the will to fight.

Cuz I dont wanna anymore & I dont know why

protectedness vs daringness

2009-05-06T21:40:00.000+08:00

THE ABUSE OF MODERNITY

Since high school I've always been amused by how innately, our biological body manages to vend of its intruders, heal up on injuries and is still able to absorb a wide range of knocks and scratches without life itself being terminated. So much more valuable and special are we compared to that of a machine, say an Ice-Kachang Machine. (Pardon the relation to food, its just me)

Even more so, has the body and mind coordinated itself in such intricate and wonderful way, has us humans, as a specie, as a population, and as a society of peoples, interacted in so many different ways and forms since the beggining of time.

In today's context, we communicate in so many different ways and in so many different forms of devices, with each method translating a certain mood or ambience.
Our Mouths bring out the best and worst of us humans. We encourage and discourage, we bring people up and we tear then straight down. We nurture and we denature them all with our silly little organ called the tongue.
Letter Writing invokes romance and even between penpals somehow the words on the letter shows more sincererity and ernestness.
SMSes just brings out the ever fast-pace of our current society, where communication and speech have simplified down to acronyms and half-completed sentences. (even more so in our singlishtic society heehee, if ya know what I mean)

Emails. Emails to any other tom tommie or tommy can simplify the use of such means as 'an elongation of a short message system'. Where more information can be transmitted over vaster distnces and more forms of information can be sent to and fro. It exist both in the external net as well as the internal intranet within organisations. I'm glad and I hate to say, my work place has such a system in order.

Gone are the days of self-righteousness since ADAM and EVE where people only worked within their designated set of rules and dare not cross the line of no return. We use jthat latter form of commnication for a wide variety of reasons. For fun, leisure and of course, treacherous backstabbing and relentless bullshitting.

So true it is when it comes to the incidences that happened just a few days ago, when a gentle suggestion to improve my DREADED DUTY SYSTEM, became a ground that bloomed a flurry of superheated arrows flying across the camp, in the form of kilobytes and megabytes. But now you know who has the MEGAbytes la ah. (hint: one that is of the higher rank)
So ever so conviniently me, this sergeant, got stupidly caught in the middle of the battlefield and got shot both ways. And in defence, by firing a flare into the air to ask for help, I became a targetboard for the unknowing triggerhappy, brain-degenerative soldiers.

So this is how, our modern society blessed with powerful technology uses them. Instead of furthering the betterment of ourselves, in which quickens the processes that we do daily, we use them like a sidegun pistol. Abusing the rights of such tools and blatently opens oneself up for antagonism.

Thanks I have had enough of this. Let me stay outta this. Fight for all you guys want. Dont make your fight mine as well. I've got enough issues to handle

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

2009-04-29T12:35:00.000+08:00

Hey there hot bod.

Wah HLS today was....=S

In case all you awesome people don't already know, my workplace has this thing called HLS(Healthy LifeStyle) thingy and thanks to my boss being a commando it kinda forces me ta run on the 1,3,5s. Sian.

Today's interval training and I'm supposed to totally rock at it.
BUT BUT BUT, thanks to the GDs, I havent even ran since the Wednesday on the week before last. Shyt.

I used to run all three rounds per km within 4 min 30 seconds per round, sometimes with extra seconds to spare, to look back and smile wide wide =D
but thats not the thing that motivates me to chiong for it, its the pwning of my boss(did I say he's commando?) that gives the 'oh so shiok haha i'm young and flying' feel.

But today;
I ended up running only 2 rounds instead of 3, of which one is on par time and another which I lagged by 30 seconds. SAADDD

I'm weak, I know.

Now I'm tired and just finished my ever so rare Nasi Briyani lunch in the cookhouse.
All I want to do now is just to take a nap.

yawnz

2009-04-27T15:07:00.000+08:00

WOOOYAA

Guard Duty ONCE AGAIN babes!

This is the first time,
oh no, this is the very first time,
behold,
I'm doing Duty with my 2IC being none other than Jerry Ang.
He's not just any Ang, he's Jeremy Ang.

OH NOOOOOOOOOO....

never mind, time to reload in some rounds of extras and take aim.

1 x stupid mistake = 3 x weekend extra

Woosh. Today I sense a heavy rain of extras coming the Guard House's way.
Chia Lat.

Please don'y screw up, please please please.

waahhaa hahah

2009-04-25T16:22:00.000+08:00

huur hur hur

adults can be so stupid (oh wait aint I becoming one? shudders...)

Was doing Guard Comd on Thurs and on Fri morn, theres this guy who came in through the gate and had to have his bag emptied cuz there was a hp in there which he didnt declare.

The RP there demanded that he open his bag but that guy(apparently just a CPL) complianed to my Warrent Off that why is he being 'disturbed' by my RP (Ah Heng).

Guess what, the Warrent himself stepped up and demanded he pour ALL HIS BELONGINGS out on the table. HAHAHH, he was damn shocked I tell you. So no choice, suck thumb.

First few things that flew out: Some documents
Then: a pink strwberry shortcake umbrella (apparently his daughter's thatis if he had one) cant imagine if it was his own's.
THEN: a box of condoms and a tube of lube. LOL cant stand it. buay tahan. never mind, everyone was controlling themselves.
THEN THEN THEN: A Handphone, A camera Handphone. Yeeoch

After trying to explain himself (to no avail) for 15 mins, he gave up, surrendered and got charged for the crime.
sigh. such stupidity. such idiocracy.

Anywhoos, I'm soooo free this weekend. Played L4D yesterday for 2 extremely disappointing games since the com keeps crashing, we decided to go elsewhere....to........Xiang An's crib!

WOOSH, Playstation 3. Rock Band. Guitar Hero. Street Fighter 4.
Awesome MAX.

Shiok, but partially deaf after Michael's deafening singing. Buay tahan.

Ehhhh MACARENA.
Its time to chill baby!

theres a lelouch in every one of us

2009-04-19T22:38:00.001+08:00

THERES A LELOUCH IN EVERY ONE OF US

Currently addicted to this show: Code Geass: Lelouch the Rebellion.
I previously thought its just anothe anime gizmo for the sake of capitalism that spawned form the land of the rising sun, but upon reading the lines(literally, since there are eng subs) more clearly, I've gained much depth in the area of human dealings with others as well as how mankind's bid for survival creates both peace and turmoil upon others, themselves an even the ones they initially set out to protect.

One more thing, I've learnt that human character deception is indeed a profound form of art, not many may appreciate it, but much can be learnt from it.

Many of us are lelouch(es),
We have the areas in our lives we set to hold dear and protect, to defend at all costs, and if the item/person is currently unhappy or in a particular crisis, we go all out to rid of that particular weed.
Which clearly explains the fighting spirit that adults -especially parents- have, that they would even risk their own lives to protect their chilren.

We all have our gifts and skills to help us defeat the "enemies" which are hindering us from our goals in life. Our talents help us engage efficiently in battle and thus pushes us forward in our races in life.

Our lives may have "Britanian Empires" set out to keep us down and to hold us back, and not all of us have the powers bestowed upon us like what C.C did to Lelouch;
But like what Lelouch said earlier on: 'that even without Geass the Empire will still be taken down', it shows that we what we need are not the physical reinforcements that are bestowed upon us (but it'll surely help if we do), it is our hearts that are the sole driver force in us that keeps us going even when everything seems bleak and torn down.

Our drive and passion, my friends, comes from within us and that they are the fuel to our engines, our batteries that keep ourselves ticking. We humans forget easily, and thus explains clearly why Emperor Xerxes of the Persian Empire back in the ancient days made a servant remind him before every meal that he should say: 'Rememeber the defeat at Marathon' to him, so that the blood in him will forever boil and that one day, he himself will see to it that Victory will be his.

Interesting. Profound. Deep. Baffling.

I am Isaac Tan, and I WILL live out my DESTINY!

2009-04-01T10:33:00.000+08:00

to be or not to be, that is NOT the question,
To overcome or become, THAT, is the question

Recently things are just, well, interestingly exhausting.

Life as a 3SGT really isn't easy, with the load of work and responsibility having increased my the folds, its kinda hard sometimes to even keep up.

So much work at work. So much bitching going around, so many arrows zipping everywhere and thanks to my ever-easy-to-shoot-target-board, (physically and relation-wise), its not to hard that im always the one being arrowed.
please, im stabbed full of them.

SHOOOT

My buddy Jeremy has just picked up the full time role being the Mob Spec.
OhMiGoodness and i get to do his share of saikang.

Just had the tech mob for some unit in my camp last SAT.

And this is my conclusion;

Just realised that there are just people in the world that are born to be asses,
those that are out to make the people around them suffer and sulk because of them.

Then there are the other group of people who are out to just give others a hard time;
BECASUE THEY ARE PLAIN STUPID.

ADULTS INCLUDED.

And their surname is GOH

There was this beep beep who came like 3 hours later the the second last guy, we would have gone off damn early la

If not of my friends I would have planted my fist on his god-forsaking woooyarh ugly face.
UGH.
pissing pieces of shit.

Guess that my share of life that is for me now that im 20.

Thanks. I will learn from this.
I will become better.
Isaac unleashed.
Watch out.

2009-03-19T22:20:00.000+08:00

i am soooooooooooooooo tired.

diet
fired
mired
padded
faggot
and the list goes on to say how many words are there out there that rhymes with tired

yesterday's range was -.-

shit holes i was two shots away from marksman
two shots away from 200 dollars which could REALLY do me some good.

but i missed.
no i didnt miss cuz i made an aiming error

I missed cuz I became complacent
I was complacent

And RIGHT THERE in the firing chamber lane, I realised I still bloooooody am one effing complacent shit hole

I thought all the rounds will end up the same way as how the first one in each magazine once I started firing.

WRONG. there is no homing mechanism
there is no fairy god eastwood who will make sure every effing round hits the enemy
there are no assasins who could bend the bullet there and then

Its all me, and I didnt perform.
I was the top shooter that day yet I couldnt secure a marksman, much less the others

what a waste.

And there was the place I realised my whole life has been like that.
Things went pretty smoothly at first and then when things stared screwing up, I just shrug my shoulders and let it off.

What an idiot.

What a procrastinator, what a loser.

I need to wake it up.
I know I have to.
I know I must.

The thing is, I dont know how

ok its march, now what?

2009-03-08T00:22:00.000+08:00

ok its march, now what?

as you can see by how often im bloggin now-sa-days;
its really been a crazy couple of months and no its not one of those oh-im-so-busy-i dont-give-a-crap kinda days, COS THESE FEW WEEKS HAVE BEEN REALLY REALLY TIRING OKAY

oh man.
i dun even know myself anymore.
have you ever been so bogged down by the things that are happening in front of you that you no longer know who you really are? and all you have been doing is just to react accordingly to how the situation permits?

its just that now's march and the situation for me resembles like something's big and huge is gna happen and i have no shit clue what it is. i dunno how to exactly explain this but these months have been mixed with good and bad stuff, mostly crazy stuff really.

I know that i have rote down resolutions and stuff, but its just that now, I CANT REMEMBER ANYTHING ANYMORE.

I've underperformed and im sorry.
im just such a loser now and all these years ive been on a decline.

i've screwed up alot of things and now i face a mountain of problems
just to name a few:

Application for UNI?
Retaking A's?
Signing on?
Cash on extreme shortage?
Family Crises yet to settle?
Oldest grandchild and a terrible role model yet as of now?
Worship Leader Practice coming up in April and im nowhere near preapred to take up the mantle?
TONNS of duties at work i can barely breathe?
Friends just pang-sehing slowly one by one? not that i blame them sine even i myself am so busy what about them?
im just so tired, that my bones ache

i can cry at the number of crap i have to face;
and am now doing so

i just need you so much Daddy.
some sons despise theirs because theirs' are so strict, regimentle blah blah
but even in their weakest moments they have a man's shoulder to lean on, to draw strength from and to look up to.
i dont even have one

where's mine?

kid: "mummy how come every kid in the room gets to have a present in the room except me?"
kid: "i want mine"
iZac: "i NEED mine"
i miss you so much daddy

i need you now so much daddy

will you just come back?

Convulsion Confusion

2009-02-18T23:50:00.000+08:00

Current Song: The Cab-BOUNCE

This song really gives the kick man, at least for me.
dudes, its now Feb, how's Jan?

Its been a crazy one for me, and I am filled with gratitude, that God has showed that His' presence is still in my life. I cant imagine how things have changed this month from last but life is getting very different and with all the hype and good hopes for this year, I can only start and end by thanking all's that around me for giving me all the suppost I needed.

I thank my superiors at work for their kind understanding and for their compassion towards me and for what I have done and am very grateful that they care. Good officers are hard to come by, and I am thankful that out of those few you guys are the ones I'm working with.

I thank my family for always being there whenever, where ever. We're always struggling yes; but at least we have each other and that's what makes every challenge a affirmation of our love in this household.

I thank my church for being my pillar of strength when I couldnt muster any. For being my pool of dudes and dudettes when the world is just waiting to swallow me up. And for the nags and lectures, fornow I know they serve me well, and that they were out of love, not cynicism.

I thank my friends be it whoever you are or wherever I got to know you. You made an impact in my life in one way or the other and who I am today pretty much had you in it as well.

Last but definitely not the least but one worthy of all attention is God.
He cant be seen, felt, heard, tasted or smelled.
But this period of time I have seen His greatness and awesome power in my life by the way He has taught me.
I have felt His kindness and patience in the stupidest things I have done in with life.
I have heard of His constant calls for obedience and am continuing to struggle with it.
I have tasted His goodness and grace and it is GOOD.
Never has life smelled so good when God is in charge, and I have Him to thank for all that has happened in my life.

God is Good, all the time;
All the time, God is Good.

target: 70

2009-01-23T21:28:00.000+08:00

New Year's here, are you?

its been a month since countdown, things are really rolling at top speed, but how often do we slow oursleves down to rethink about the decisions that we have made? maybe some of us dont have to, you who are of higher calibres.

But lately I've ben thinking, what good is labour if all is for a lost cause?
What good is blood shed on wasted and ancient ideals?
How many times have we put so much into something and be returned with nil?
How many times have we been disappointed at results which we thought would be at least of 'above average', to be returned as carnage?

I'm done with lost causes, but how would we know from the beggining, or even in the midst, that what we are doing is a goner?

wisdom my friend, and long sight

the former can be attained with age, but the latter can be gotten, no; not with aging corneas, but to look far into the future and see if with time, can sustain such an endeavour.

I wanna run for myself
I wanna run for my Family
I wanna run for my Future
I wanna run for God
I wanna run for Stars United
I wanna run for my sanity
I wanna run for my future wife
I wanna run for you

2009-01-17T01:41:00.000+08:00

Thanks for splashing SHIT on my face okay I'm PISSED

REALLY PISSED

2009-01-16T21:02:00.000+08:00

TAMADE

MAI ZO LIAO

I AINT YOUR MAN TO STRING-PUPPET AROUND

THE HELL AM I DOING TRYING SO F****** HARD

MAI4 ZO3 LIAO4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU KNOW WHAT? I DONT GIVE A FLYING SHIT.

THANKS FOR NOTHING

UGH

buieagh

2009-01-14T20:40:00.000+08:00

hey peeps one and all, again.

This delightful day marks a day closer to ORD and also, more importantly, my first ever guard duty.

I'm still in the midst of it but just like how I managed to get access to a com back in taiwan while on excercise, so too have I landed myself with one while on duty hahahahha.

Guard duty in this camp has been mundanely active lah, with me being 2IC and all, I'm now both answerable to both the above and below (if you know what i mean).

Tiring? Okay la (so far)
Rewarding? Cannot see yet leh
Stressed? Oh yeah man

Putting in mind that I still have bout 35 more duties left this year (hopefully thats all) I better get aquainted with this fast and well, so I'll be able to enjoy this. ERGH. REINFORCEMENTS COME QUICK!!!

Hmm, owing to the fact that this is still January and with fresh beginnings means fresh starts and so I hereby announce that I'll be taking up the habit of reading at one book or more a month so as to prevent the mental degradation of my brain.

Okay nuff said bout me.
YAN TZE! Glad we had the convo yesterday too! Hope things can start to look up from where you are now and I hope the choices that you make will be one that is through wisdom and prayer. Jia yous and once again well done for the O's!

K, gta get back to the G before any big boss finds out.

-NINJA-ed OFF-
poof!

2009-01-05T19:04:00.000+08:00

RESOLUTIONS RESOLUTIONS

This year I resolute to have resolutions that are resolutionary. It will be the Resolutions of Resolutions! The resolutionble resolutions will resolute to be come Resolutionarary Resolutions!

Such an exciting YEAR AHEAD!
(not today pls)

Great new year ahead and somehow I can just feel it. It magical, its AWESOME! and its this tingling feeling in the heart where you just kbnow this is one year that I'll never forget and will go down in pages of history with huge bundles of Joy, Happiness, PEACE, and of course, Spiritual Nourishment.

I havent really started to pen down my year's resolutions (i better do em quick before they become stale) and will prolly do it sometime this week bah.

But with today's uber packed day and a loada lousy news it kinda chipped away some of the excitement lehhz. I've never been more busy at work today than any other day and it just involves rnning up and down all around places in camp.

Now now I will just say this for the record. Officers sometimes just over-rate their worth in the army and despite have Specs beside them to co-lead, they never see them as equals but rather equate very often them to being the same as men. Of course, I only speak for myself and the current workplace I'm in. I DO NOT REPRESENT THE WHOLE ARMY PLEASE, so dont go all 'wa lao this guy so one kind one'......

I mean, we too went through a whole lotta shit too ya noe, yeah sure not as long as yours but just being 18 weeks longer garners you such high authority sometimes boosts their ego far too much more than they can contain. I'm just sick at the treatment to which how Specs are being treated. We're neither high up or low down and you push so much work at us, and we get the least credit for stuff done.

So dear officers who read this jolly ol' blog, GET THIS IN YOUR HEAD. When we dont produce too sterling a result, please look at the way YOU treat your Specs before YOU start pointing fingers. If things were to ever screw up too badly, you guys prolly had a hand in it too.

Now I need to burn my sundays for work. OK THIS HAS TOO STOP. I'm commiting no more than my weekdays to this so don't YOU push it. I wanna go church and I have my commitments.
AS IF GUARD DUTY WASNT ENOUGH.

OKAY we'll see how things go.

Will update this place. =(